HOW TO READ A PRESS RELEASE

...and the record reviews that we find are increasingly based on them.

New Releases



A STORMING RETURN TO FORM
Their last album was rubbish. This is better, honest.

CRITICALLY ACLAIMED
Commercially disastrous, will never repay when its budget for Post-It notes.

A RECORD TO MELT HEARTS
It's got an orchestra on it.

BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTER SONGWRITING
It's got a piano on it.

SWEEPING CINEMATIC SOUNDSCAPES
It's got an orchestra and some trumpets on it.

EAGERLY AWAITED
Everyone has forgotten who they are ; drummer is working in a cycle courier.

..HAS KEPT A DISCREET PROFILE..
He's this far away from being dead.

INSTANTLY RECOGNISABLE
Exactly the same as their last record

A TYPICALLY BRAVE DEPARTURE
Commercially suicidal, not even the publicist can stand listening to it.

MARVELOUSLY UNRECONSTRUCTED '70s SOUND
Terrible MOR radio sludge.

TURNING THEIR BACKS ON THE GREEDY MAJORS, THE BAND OPTED FOR INDEPENDENCE
They were dropped.

SOPHOMORE ALBUM
Silly phrase used only in press releases to make "second album" sound more American and therefore more interesting. Sophomore year is your second at an American college but strangely nobody follows their "sophomore effect" with "junior year" or "senior year" albums.

....SHOWCASES THEIR GROWING MATURITY
Same as the last album, only slower.



Expressing the Inexpressible

POWERFUL DRUMMING
Loud drumming.

DISTINCTIVE VOCALS
He/She can't sing

GRITTY
We couldn't afford a producer

URBAN
Black

HEARTFELT
Slow and quiet.

ANTHEMIC
Slow and loud.

PLAYFUL
More than a bit irritating.

LAIDBACK GROOVES
Interminable, directionless jamming

GLAMOROUS
Gay.

FLAMBOYANT
Gay.

MELODRAMATIC
Gay, possibly closeted.

SWAGGERING
Horribly up themselves.

SOLID
Boring.

SOARING MELODIES
One of those bands where the singer makes a virtue of not being able to reach the note, viz. Athlete, Keane, Flaming Lips, Coldplay etc.

SUNSHINE POP TUNES
They like the Beach Boys.

CLASSIC SONGWRITING
They like The Beatles

CLASSIC ROCK AND ROLL
They like The Stones

CLASSIC ENGLISH WHIMSY
They like Pink Floyd

CLASSIC DECADENCE
They like David Bowie

CLASSIC SWAGGER
They like cocaine

UNSHAKABLE SELF-BELIEF
Cocaine again.


CURSE THAT WRITER'S BLOCK!

I shall try to work on something new........